Radical Self-Love: Part Three of Four

Part Three of Four Parts on Radical Self-Love

Give Yourself the Gift of Forgiveness

I once did something in my life so bad, so unforgiving...even just thinking back to it, makes me shudder and ask myself, "What the hell was I thinking?!"  I mean, this behavior was so against my values, my philosophy of life, that it bolted me out of self-love into self-loathing for quite some time...won't even share what it is...that's how bad!

We've all done some things in life that when we look back at the video of our lives...it makes us want to block that little chunk out.  Or, maybe we react with rationalization or justification to our deed, "Well, he....", "Well, I did that, but what she did was so much worse." or "I wouldn't have done that if....." .  Wouldn't it be a heck of a lot easier to just admit our mistake, ask for forgiveness and move on.  Time heals all wounds...even the wounds we create.  People do move on and they do forgive....but, the last person to forgive you is sometimes...you.  

We hear about forgiveness all the time and how it heals the wounds.  It is the bigger thing to do.  That when we forgive it is not about the other person, it is a gift we give to ourselves.  What if the person who hurts you is YOU?  

In the Christian faith these are sins.  In Buddhism the deeds affect your karma.....in politics these are skeletons in the closet of life.....it does not matter what context we are interpreting our actions....when we act outside of our concept of self and what is a good life...when we hurt others...it impacts our self-love potential.  

Guilt?  Shame?

When we feel guilt...and I am not talking about the low self-esteem, self-deprecating comments we often say to ourselves.  I am talking about legitimate guilt; as in, I did this...it is not within what I value or believe in for my life...I made a legitimate mistake.  When we feel this kind of guilt, it is good.  It makes us feel uncomfortable enough in life to change our course and move in another, better direction.  Guilt is our compass at times.  

But, when we feel shame...self-loathing....I AM that behavior-kind-of-feeling....we get stuck..we do not change course, we do not forgive our actions as just that, an action.  We let it define us and it dims the fire within so that we are no good to ourselves, to others or to the planet.

The only mistake there is, is the one we do not learn from.

What is your mistake?  Your actions?  How did it impact you? Impact others?

My mother said to me (my oh-so-wise teacher in life) "The last person that will forgive you is you...God already has.  Imagine the love you feel for your son, is there anything he can do that would cause you to not forgive him."  And, honestly, there is not...that is how great our love can be for another! She said, "That is how God feels for you ten thousand fold."  

It does not matter what word you use for your divine, your higher power....the love you have for another, for you higher power...could be the love you feel for yourself, ten thousand fold.

What would it take to forgive yourself?  What did you learn from this mistake?  What gifts came out of it?

Self-forgiveness leads to self-love and grows that ember into a fire inside...so that you may enjoy life and shine that out to others.....I don't know about you, but to me, that sounds pretty darn good! 

Christie Gause-Bemis, MSW, LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice and one of the three fabulous women of Hot Pink YOUniversity