When the Helper Needs Help...

   

  I am feeling another rush of powerful emotion as I sit down to share this story with you.  There is no doubt that I have been forever changed in many ways by my recent trip to India and that the transformation continues. Christie and I talk and teach often about The Art of Receiving.  Most of us tend to be great givers but we struggle with receiving.  Christie and I had just decided this would be the playshop we would be holding for our travel tribe on this trip-little did we both know how we would personally be in the need to receive on this trip!   My story shows that we are always able to learn more and that the Universe will provide the divine right opportunities at the divine right time-often when we least expect it!

     We were just coming off an amazing, deeply spiritual sunrise ceremony on the sacred Ganges River.  I was in a truly open, loving, peaceful state as we entered the streets of Varanasi.  I was in such a heightened state of being that all my senses were quickly and completely overtaken by the sheer magnitude of people, sounds, uncontrolled traffic speeding within inches of us, the unrelenting pace and push of the street vendors and people seemingly in need  at such a level that I had never witnessed before.  We had been advised not to bring out money in this situation and had been “prepped” for what we would see and experience. We had been told that there was often an undercurrent of mafia-like exploitation to the begging but I was still completely overwhelmed in both heart and mind on such a basic human level.  We had been asked by our guides to please not present money in this particular place and time.

     My love and I were quickly approached by a women with a baby that appeared lethargic in her arms.  She had an empty bottle in her hand and she cried and pleaded with us over and over for money for food. I tried to just keep moving and look ahead for safety as we were instructed to do.  The sound of her pleading and of Joel having to say over and over he was sorry but couldn’t stop or help was just more than my heart could take.  In my thoughts there was no acceptable answer or action we could take.  If it was the truth, she and her baby were in such need and we wanted to help.  If it was that she was being exploited by men who would then collect all the money or objects she was given it was a terrible abuse and we would be enabling if we reached out. There was no way in that moment we could help.  The helper in me was devastated.  The thoughts hit me so hard I was literally stunned.

I had a completely unexpected, shake me to my core, break my heart open, can’t process fast enough, can’t breathe, can’t, can’t, can’t moment on the streets of Varanasi.  I knew I was not ok and I could feel the breath leaving me and the sights and sounds begin to dim around me just as my elbow was struck by the side mirror of a passing motorcycle…not hard mind you but now I was also fearing for physical safety.  I called out to Joel for help as we got separated while he was guiding several of the women in our group to ensure their safety from the traffic and to block them from the encroaching vendors.  He didn’t realize I was “in need” as I am pretty solid and not easily shaken by new situations.  He thought I was just asking him to walk with me so he stayed his helpful course.  It was the last straw and I burst into tears calling out to him loudly that I couldn’t make it, that I wasn’t ok.  He said later that in that moment he saw the raw panic and pain in my eyes so he quickly came to my side. Here I was, the helper, the facilitator, the leader in such a state of vulnerability and compassion overload that I couldn’t get my breath or my bearings.  I went, in those moments from the one who was assisting and making sure others were all ok to the one in imminent need.  I was quickly wrapped in the safety of Joel’s arms and in the love of several of my travel tribe sisters who approached gently from behind and just let me know they were right there with me. It was a beautiful moment of the power of love and I am tearful again now as I share it with you. I let myself be held and protected for the rest of that long walk back to our bus. Thank you to those who knew just what to do and how to hold space for me in that moment. My heart is forever grateful and changed by your empathy and compassionate wisdom.  

     This story also holds example of the dichotomy we saw over and over in India and that Christie spoke of in her recent blog talk radio show .  As I was crying and trying to catch my breath a young man came up likely to sell to us but he saw my pain and didn’t.  I did not see him but his voice was filled with such love as he asked Joel several times, “Why is your wife sad, why is she crying?” Joel’s reply as he held me tight and kept walking was “She is just a little sad, a little overwhelmed”  I will never forget what that young man said next and it was what quite literally brought my breath back and helped me regain my strength.  “You are a very lucky man, your wife has the most beautiful, loving heart.”  This is the core of love in the people that we saw and experienced over and over on our journey through India.  Their capacity for love and happiness is a gift that has forever changed me and others in our trip tribe. 

     Later, back at our hotel, I was hit with a mix of not so great emotions.  I was embarrassed. I felt I had let others down. I found myself starting to apologize but was quickly met with another opportunity to receive…this is just a bit of what I heard.  “No need for sorry.  You were just in complete compassion in that moment.”  “It was beautiful how much your heart felt.”  “No need to apologize, you were just the one to express and release what all of us were feeling in that street today.” 

This was a life changing lesson in the Art of Receiving for me and this Helper has learned on an even deeper level how to open herself to help.  

This is the power of the human spirit, the spirit of India and its people and the Vibe of our Hot Pink Tribe!  This is what makes travel with us so unique and transformational.  Watch for our upcoming opportunities to travel this amazing world together!  Namaste!  

Ann Murgatroyd-Soe